By Royyan Julian

Setelah mengalami dua kali kekalahan yang agak tidak terhormat, Yusuf Hamdani tak ingin lagi bertapa di tempat-tempat yang dianggap keramat untuk memulihkan kekuatan sihir yang telah dilucuti oleh ribuan lele dalam pertempuran bahari melawan pasukan yang dipimpin oleh lelaki penunggang ikan raksasa bersisik emas pada malam sarat badai. Kesempatan telah memberinya cukup waktu untuk meninggalkan trik-trik mejik yang hanya menjadi alat untuk mencapai kebahagiaan abadi. Oleh karena itulah kini ia lebih memilih memanfaatkan harta hasil rompakan yang disimpan di Pulau Fatamorgana sebagaimana gangster Kumbang Hitam menyimpan harta jarahan di Gua Biji Wijen berdasarkan kisah yang dituturkan Syahrazad kepada suaminya yang galau, Sultan Syahriar.
He did not know where the remains of his men had gone. As he remembered, his men — who were former leggy sailors with no skill at swimming — had been killed or wounded from being whipped by fire in the last battle. Some of the survivors fled and might have survived if they were not devoured by the most evil sharks of the sea. But Yusuf no longer needs an army of wimps. Because he has resigned from the universal conspiracy under the protection of the flag bearing the scrawny head of the Jolly Roger.
All he needed now was to show his proficiency again with robbery. He did not want to land in a country in these islands with a real face. Because the character of his grim appearance is so famous that everyone will know that it is a savage lanun that has been a disaster for ships passing all over the ocean. By disguising himself, he managed to trick the people of a maritime empire. Perhaps people think of him as a conglomerate immigrant from Persia or Gujarat. However, he must be careful. A mistake as small as a particle could get him caught so he can't escape the punishment of beheaded, stuck on a cross, or other unimaginable punishment. Doesn't he now have no supernatural energy?
Was Joseph converted? Make no mistake. No one had ever seen her sniffle in the holy mihrab or make istigfar many times. He no longer wanted to be a pirate, not because he had begged Allah for forgiveness, but rather because he avoided the barbaric life in the heart of the immediate future.
So, this is what Yusuf did next. Because he is very fond of animals which he thinks are cute and adorable creatures, he suddenly has a desire to become a businessman in the trade of endangered animals — even though not entirely rare. With wealth that is not messy and can make people drunk, Yusuf established an animal garden in the yard of the house which was built in a short time. Suddenly, in a very boring maritime country, there stood a palace full of various animals, similar to Noah's ark.
As a former pirate with alluring magic power, for his love of animals, he often relies on magic tricks to challenge his enemies by changing his body shape into the desired animal: dragon snakes, horned dogs, giant octopuses, and other fierce animals. Now, he doesn't need to manifest these creatures as an appreciation for animals. He has found a safe way to do business as stated above.
"You will never find an animal like this, not even Marco Polo," said Yusuf, every time someone asked about a lizard with dreadlocks and a sound like a choked person locked in the middle of a garden.
Maybe no one really knows how and where Joseph got his amazing beasts. In the garden of the house, which is conjured up like an animal world, scattered common animals and some strange animals that European naturalists never recorded. That's why the zoo has attracted the attention of residents. At least they no longer mingle with the pets - that's all the tamarin monkeys, Persian cats, or spoon snakes from India. Each household is competing to buy an animal with a unique appearance, no matter what the price is. Not only that, the hard-faced male customers are not limited to animal lovers in the country, but from various countries.
Not only good at leading sea wrestlers, Yusuf realizes his talent as an accomplished businessman. For that, he did not want to waste a golden opportunity. He started a new career buying several ships — for transporting animals — and had hundreds of workers. In a short time, his wealth increased and he became known as a wealthy animal tycoon.
***
In a land that was never devoid of waves and chirping seagulls and egrets, this was a prince who liked to collect beautiful animals just as he liked to preen. The crown prince was named Marjan Abdul Saleh. In his well-groomed room that often smells of jasmine, two kinds of pampered big cats are nurtured: the lion from the African steppe and the panther from the interior of the remote archipelago around Jawadwipa. The metrosexual prince takes care of the two fanged animals and the pointed mustache since he is in the cradle so that the roaring animal does not feel that he has a predatory nature.
The news of Yusuf's animal trade reached Prince Marjan. Like finding a romantic paradise in the style of a story or legend, Prince Marjan immediately asked the guards to take him to Yusuf's animal palace. The stretcher was lowered in front of the gate to the former pirate's residence. Dressed in sparkly clothes, Prince Marjan removed the stretcher mosquito net and entered the garden area without an escort — because he did not want his activities of enjoying God's creation to be disturbed by nagging guards.
In the well-loved garden, Prince Marjan encountered animals that were natural and not natural to find. However, as it has been said, Prince Marjan was only avid to beautiful animals. The salesgirl escorted him to a carved wooden cage that gave off the scent of forest roots. In it perched a beautiful, yellow-blue bird.
"His name is a catalina macaw, an angel from Eldorado Island," explained the salesman.
You can certainly guess the next flow. Prince Marjan was interested. The bird made him feel nostalgic. Because in the past he had a similar bird, an angel from Al-Mulk Peninsula. However, the salty weather had claimed the fluffy beauty's life, sending her to Divine eternity. Until now, Prince Marjan has never forgotten the delicate beaked bird.
After the macaw transaction, Prince Marjan did not go home immediately. It is said that at Yusuf's residence there is also a collection of preserved animals. That's why Prince Marjan was eager to see — if interested, he might also buy it. The preserved animals were not in the garden, but in Joseph's palace.
Tatkala Pangeran Marjan berjalan-jalan di atas sotoh istana, tampak kepadanya dari sana seorang lelaki sedang mandi.1 Takjublah Pangeran Marjan terhadap tubuh telanjang Yusuf yang basah kuyup dengan rambut jatuh sebahu dan brewok tercukur rapi. Belum pernah sang Pangeran melihat tubuh sedemikian hebat seperti yang ia lihat saat itu. Baginya, liat tubuh lelaki berkulit cokelat mengkilat itu lebih mukjizati ketimbang sayap binatang terindah. Otot bisep Yusuf lebih membuatnya tertarik daripada tenaga kuda, komodo, atau unta berpunuk satu dari gurun Cina.
If so, Prince Marjan stares at the nudist scene below. There was something that felt like rippling in his bloodstream. He could not name it, but he knew the turmoil existed. Joseph never knew that he was the object of his gaze, because he was immersed in the torrent of water that poured over his body.
***
On a lonely night, where there was no noise from the pets, suddenly a group of people broke into Yusuf's residence. They, with thunderous voices, introduced themselves as palace soldiers about to catch him.
With a little sway due to being woken up suddenly from sleep, Yusuf struggled a little because his wrists were held by the two heartless soldiers. When asked what his mistake was, a soldier replied, "You have hidden two forbidden books."
Yusuf did not understand what the long-nosed soldier was talking about. As far as he knows, he never kept any books. The pile of books that sits on top of the drawer is just a book of accounts receivable and credit notes. Nothing more than that.
In the middle of the coachman's debate about the alleged book, Prince Marjan appeared with all his glamor, showing his fierce and dressed face. He said that Yusuf had kept two books that could not be read by people carelessly so they were prohibited from circulating in the country.
Kitab pertama yang dituduhkan berjudul Pembasmian Mawar2. Aliansi mullah negeri tersebut melarang kitab Pembasmian Mawar lantaran berisi pembuktian terhadap risalah bid’ah Nabi Bertabir dari Khurasan. Dikhawatirkan umat akan menjadi zindik kafir kurofat bila mencawiskan isi kitab Arab kuno tersebut.
Kitab kedua yang membuat Yusuf tak habis pikir berjudul Taman Mewangi di Perjalanan yang Menyenangkan3. Kitab yang dianggap cabul itu dilarang dibaca oleh orang yang belum menikah—dan Yusuf masih lajang. Sebab di dalamnya tertera ajaran-ajaran tata cara berjimak. Orang belum menikah yang membaca kitab itu dikhawatirkan akan menyalurkan luapan syahwat pada objek-objek yang tak semestinya.
Yusuf was only stunned to hear the titles of books he had never heard or read. If people had known who Joseph really was, perhaps the accusation would have seemed absurd because the man thief had never been intimately acquainted with the world of mantras, poetry, and laws that were inscribed on stone, papyrus, or parchment. However, everyone knows that apart from being fond of animals, Prince Marjan is a collector of antique books and a hobby of reading and writing. His large private library was a seventeenth birthday gift that the Sultan gave to his only child.
Of course you know who is behind the culprit of this unlikely event. The ruse was planned suddenly after Prince Marjan stared at Yusuf's bathing ritual for a long time. It just so happened that at that time Prince Marjan brought the two forbidden books — out of nowhere the Prince got the two books, but most likely obtained from the regular literature club meetings he attended. Wherever he went, the Prince always brought reading material to get rid of the frozen time in such a boring place.
Before Yusuf finished washing himself, Prince Marjan crept into his room and put the two books in the drawer. After that, he hurried away and began reporting his allegations to the head of royal security.
***
Berdasarkan tuturan seorang hadirin yang menyaksikan sidang yang dipimpin oleh yang mulia hakim Zaidc4, tersangka Yusuf dijatuhi hukum kurung selama sembilan tahun berdasarkan undang-undang pidana kerajaan. Berkali-kali mantan lanun itu menangkis segala tuduhan yang diberondong kepadanya, tetapi bukti sudah ada di tangan sehingga ia tak bisa menangkal.
When the decision had been passed, Prince Marjan interrupted. He said the prince wanted the decision to be changed by overturning Yusuf's law of parenthood and making the man his personal slave during the same period.
Again you will find that this was the tactic the young prince had originally planned. Joseph's feelings between happy and not hearing the new decision. Glad because he will not bother crouching tragically in a rotten prison. Not happy because he felt punished for mistakes he never made. And bearing the status of a slave made his self-esteem fall as low as possible.
From then on, Joseph's life changed drastically. He could not guess his own destiny, whether he would forever have such a fate. But he still believed that God would change his life line if he tried.
In the beginning, Joseph was treated like a slave in general: serving all the needs of the Prince. However, after a long time he felt there was something odd about the handsome prince's attitude. Prejudice that he tried to brush aside many times, but what he said was increasingly showing a bright face.
Yusuf's suspicion started when on a hot night, Prince Marjan asked Yusuf to give his full body a massage. After a limp massage, Prince Marjan asked his servant to sleep on his bed. The former pirate agreed without suspicion. When sleeping, Yusuf felt someone groping his buttocks and male organs. The slave opened his eyes slowly — and still pretended to be asleep. He knew that the Prince's hand was exploring all over his body and touching the taboo areas.
Of course Yusuf could not fight back and still pretended to be asleep. He didn't want the Prince to be surprised, embarrassed, and when he was angry, he could be used as a meal for lions and tigers who slept lazily on the sandal scented sofa.
So every night it happened to her: slept in the same bed with the Prince — without asking why — and felt a sickening sensation. Now he realizes that he has become a slave to satisfy the lust of a Prince whose sexual orientation is unclear. As a former bromocorah, Yusuf felt that his male form was castrated, his honor as a former pirate leader was flayed. Not forever he will continue to be.
Meanwhile, Prince Marjan had got what he wanted. From the first time he saw the body of nearly forty, he felt that he had found a man who was idolized, the most beautiful mammal among the pets. He was determined to never let Joseph go until he found a more exciting animal.
***
Seven months of sleeping in the same bed with Prince Marjan made Yusuf always think of finding a solution. If treated like that over and over again, he is worried that he will be aroused too long. If so, he better choose to be impotent. But being impotent is tantamount to eliminating heaven on earth. He doesn't have a wife, not because he doesn't like women, but because he doesn't want to be bothered by household responsibilities. Not to mention if it turns out that his wife is chatty and material. If her biological impulse is overwhelming, usually — when she is a pirate — she passes it on to captive women, no matter how bad or fat she is.
In the midst of brain impasse, inspiration often comes at the most unexpected. Even though Joseph had been looking for it for a long time. The scholar's inspiration was struck when he witnessed Prince Marjan applying make-up and splashing his magnificent clothes with narwastu oil. Yusuf knows that the characteristics of the crown prince are clean, tidy, beautiful, fragrant, and sparkly. Then he found a way to escape the shackles of endless sexual desire: to be a dirty and smelly human.
The plan began with never showering, doing frequent acrobatic moves — to sweat a lot, never brush your teeth, and never put any perfume on your body or clothes. Actually, Yusuf was uncomfortable doing that. Although a bastard and likes to eat dead rats when the food supplies on the ship run out, he is known as a clean and holy man among his men. However, he was willing to betray his character in order to be free from false slavery.
For days, Joseph tried to be dirty, dressed in dirty clothes, and had dirty thoughts. Now, become Joseph as a dirty and clumsy man. At first, the Prince did not really smell the sour smell. Gradually, I also smelled the rancid aroma of the cursed former pirate's armpits. At that moment, the Prince ordered her to take a shower. You are a smart Joseph, he never takes a shower every time the Prince asks him to clean himself.
The incident was repeated so that Prince Marjan could no longer discharge his sexual thirst. He realized, Joseph had planned it. A resentment arose in the Prince's heart, whose libido seemed restrained. If that's the case, he doesn't want to bother with his dizziness because he smells the scent of goats mixed with devil's urine every day.
Between furious and holding back a trapped lust, the security soldiers ordered Joseph to be arrested on charges of committing an offense. It did not occur to Joseph that his actions would reap the anger of the Prince. But he thinks positively that this is the end of his life misery.
Holding their breath so as not to vomit, the soldiers dragged Yusuf to the palace cell.
"What did I do wrong?" shrieked the man hoarsely after being thrown into a holding cell full of rodents.
"Just wait until the trial is held. The prince has not reported what was your fault, ”snorted the soldier with a nasal voice as he clogged the nostrils while locking the bars.
"So you don't know?"
"Be patient. God is with those who are patient. The prince will report your mistake after his smell returns and he can breathe in the fragrance of aloes, ”concluded the soldier, pointing at Yusuf's face as a sign that the Prince's breathing was dying because of his rot.
Hearing this, Yusuf laughed and the soldiers left, who had been nauseous. In two or three days he will be summoned to the court of the noble judge Zaidc. While waiting for the judgment to be held, he wondered what other accusations the Prince would bring to him. He knew that the prince's ingenuity was indeed the most treacherous. Because he often accompanied the Prince by memorizing tactical formulas and reading books of intrigue.

Note:
1.    Peristiwa ini mengingatkan saya pada pertemuan pertama kali Daud dengan Batsyeba yang dilukiskan di dalam kitab 2 Samuel pasal 11 ayat 2.
2.    Judul kitab ini saya temukan di dalam buku Sejarah Aib (LKiS, 2006) karya Jorge Luis Borges yang diterjemahkan oleh Arif B. Prasetyo.
3.    Merupakan judul terjemahan dari kitab Raudh Al-Athir fi Nuzhat Al-Khatir (Perfume Garden) karya Syekh Muhammad Nafzawi dari Tunisia. Kitab ini merupakan revisi dari kitab
Macam-Macam Cara dalam Rahasia Bersetubuh (Anwi’ Al-Wiqa’ fi Asrar Al-Jima’) atas saran penguasa Muhammad Awanah Al-Zawawi lantaran dianggap kurang lengkap.
4.    Meminjam nama seorang hakim dalam cerita “Bacbac”, salah satu kisah Seribu Satu Malam.

Pamekasan, 30 Agustus 2013
Penulis adalah alumnus UM.
Kini masih kuliah pascasarjana
di Fakultas Ilmu Budaya
Universitas Gadjah Mada Yogyakarta.